Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Deepest remains

R and I returned disturbingly early from DC yesterday.
We spent Christmas there with dad and Sarah.

Tomorrow we leave again, early once more and southwards to the beaches.

Our Christmas was intimate. The scale felt smaller than Christmas' past even as the gifts - which we'd vowed up and down not to run amok on - mounted beneath the tree.

We attended (saw? listened to? beheld?) the Messiah at The Kennedy Center,
Walked the tiny jewel that is the Textile Museum - savvy in the weavings of the world but unfamiliar with the term "Balkan",
Shopped a little, wrapped a little, cooked really fine ginger cookies and middling corn pudding,
Ran TWICE along the canal (excercise = open season on holiday eating)
Ate Yorkshire pudding and Ementhal souffle on Christmas eve,
Planned big plans for the wedding (to be announced...)
And we were with one another - tuned in, listening, asking, hoping for. We were gentle with one another.

If you believe that the inanimate in fancy paper can stand in for larger things then, gift-wise, we were considerate too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we each responded to the loss of Lindsey this last year with love.

We mourn differently.
Me: straddling two poles - at once intensely private with my books, diary and extended spells of solo time and then here, the most public of all forums save for the tabloids,
Dad: resolutely honoring Linds' life by knitting together its memories,
Chad: in one of the hardest ways of all as he raises their Hudson alongside the chasm of the loss,
Grandpop: daily facing his own aliveness in the wake of the 3 women he's outlived...

("Some went and came about the dead,
And some in books of solace read,
Some to their friends the tidings say,
Some went to write, some went to pray,
One tarried here, there hurried one,
But their heart abode with none."
- Threnody, Emerson)


But when we gather, the mourning tacks differently. The loss is profound and not ever absent but the intimacy with the living is also deepened by it.

And we hold one another so much more dear.

C - sending out love

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